True story of Kim Jong-Il’s “death”

Editor’s note: This is the first installment of Famous Love Letters: A Mixed Media Production

Today, the world learned of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il’s death. However, this is just another lie dreamed up by the dictator.

The truth is much more romantic.

And it all starts with Elvis Presley.

Back in the 50’s when Elvis was serving in the United States military, he was station in Area 51 during a top secret stint. During that period he was trained in time travel and made several excursions to the 1980’s. That decade introduced him to Where’s Waldo and taught him how to hide in plain sight.

He also visited North Korea in the 1980’s and fell in love with the young Kim Jong-Il. After several visits, he confessed his love and knowledge of time travel to Kim. The two made a pact to fake their own deaths and spend the rest of eternity in love, traveling from decade to decade.

When Elvis returned to Area 51 and to the present day 1950’s, he told the military of his plans. Because of his celebrity, they immediately agreed to help him, and even enter the pair in the witness protection program.

Love letter from Kim Jong-Il to Elvis Presley

The years past, and when the time was right, Elvis faked his death and moved to North Korea to wait for Kim.

But to Elvis’s, and the US government’s dismay, Kim fell more in love with power and less in love with Elvis as the years past by.

This created a jealous rage in Elvis who left Kim for several years to embark on an affair with Jacques Chirac, who was mayor of Paris in the 1980’s, which Elvis always thought was tres sexy. But then Jacques became president of France and their love fizzeled out, causing Elvis to return to Korea.

Meanwhile, as Kim became more powerful, the US military got more pissed at him, and took back their promise to help him time travel with Elvis.

But in the end, love prevails. Growing older, Kim realized the devotion Elvis showed him meant more to him than any powerful green jumpsuit ever could.

In 2009, when Bill Clinton traveled to North Korea to free the hostages, Kim told him he was ready to say yes to love, and yes to life with Elvis. As a southerner, Bill had mixed feelings about the King of Graceland shacking up with a man who poo-poos democracy, but since all American presidents since the 1950’s have made a secret agreement to help Kim and Elvis, Bill couldn’t say no.

The wheels were set in place then, and now over two years later, Kim has successfully faked his death to live forever with Elvis.

The photo above is from one of their love letters during the years on the lam. Now that they are together, they have no need to write love letters. They can simply whisper sweet nothings to each other, from one pillow to another.

Janie meets her match

It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon and the only thing on Janie and Lou’s minds was a drink. They were Bukowski addicts and the single question to ask was location.

“Back Bay today?” asked Lou.

“No,” said Janie. “I don’t wanna deal with all those trophy-wives-in-training who trickle down from Dillon’s for one last drink before going home with some MBA major.”

“Ain’t gonna happen. Those TWITs love the outdoor seating on sunny days,” said Lou. “Makes the bleach blond sparkle. No way they’re bar hopping today.”

“Fine, but if I see some ho in Ann Taylor, you’re buying the Harpoon,” said Janie.


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